Poora Naam... Vijay Dinanath Chauhan

If you love your mother's cooking, (and should you be naive enough to compare) then even a meal cooked by a 3 Michelin Star chef will seem "poor" "not-up-to-the-mark".  And that is people may not like the movie.

To all those I say this, watch Scarface.

Agneepath is, to say the least, a brilliant movie.  It is well directed, with very strong performances, a background score that gets your pulse racing, slick dialogues, Katrina Kaif, and brilliant actions sequences!

But what is left me with, were moments that give you goosebumps.  The final fight (Of course!!), Vijay's rescue of his sister, the delivery of THE dialogue of the movie, and the lynching scene.  I don't know about the technical aspects of movie-making, but I think they must have all been spot on, because the movie was a total audio-visual treat.

Its 3 hours long, the normal length of Hindi movies at one time.  And it was perfect!  The movie pulls you into its world, makes you a participant in its emotions, has you rooting for Vijay to win, wishing him to rise up, to vanquish evil.  Very old fashioned, very Hindi "masala" move, very very Indian.  I LOVE IT!

A lot though has to be said about the action.  You feel every punch, almost hear the bones cracking, and flinch with every blow.  The sight of Vijay lifting Kancha over his head, I actually leaped for joy in the theatre.  But my favourite scene is when Vijay rescues his sister.  We have forgotten to make action scenes like that anymore.  Call me foolish, but I much prefer these to the highly orchestrated, Hollywood types which we have come to accept as the gold standard now-a-days.  This is beautiful chaos.

I watched this movie sitting in the corner seat of the first row.  And I wont have it any other way.

The Office Rules for MBAs (PPT to be created soon)

(this is based on personal and friends' experiences and is so limited to MBA "types" only)

As I near 5 years in the "corporate", there are a few things that I have learnt and would now like to share.
1.  Job Satisfaction:  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
2.  Money:  Show me!  Show me!!
3.  Boss:  The Good, The Bad, The VERY Ugly.
4.  Honesty:  Unnecessary.  Dangerous.  Avoidable.  Not Expected.  (Ethics are different... they should matter!).
5.  Incompetence:  Rampant.  Awarded if Combined With Favour Flattery F***.  (Choose your morals)
6.  Sucking Up:  Necessary.  (Unless you are as good and as famous Steve Jobs AFTER he launched the iPhone).
7.  Office Gossip:  Usually the Truth.
8.  Unhappy?  Quit.  Don't Grumble.  (No one really holds a gun to your head).
9.  Loyalty:  Business Conditions Dependent.
10.  Illusions of Grandeur:  Avoid.  Someone is Always Better.
11.  Client:  Paramount.
12.  Delusional Leadership:  More Common than Thought.  Avoid Correcting.  Get OUT!
13.  Ideal Job:  Challenging, Pays Well, Learning Opportunities.
14.  Hard Work:  Will be Rewarded.  If Not, Leave.
15.  Marketing:  Essential.  If They Don't Know You, They Can't Award You.
16.  CYA:  Cover Your Ar**.  At All Times.
17.  HR:  Much Maligned.  Can't Help.  Loyalties Obviously to Business.
18.  You:  Expendable.  Asset/Liability.  No Emotions.

If I knew and accepted these things, life would have been much easier much earlier.  However, you cant avoid being irritated by incompetence being awarded.  And I may have worked with/heard of/met/known some amazingly incompetent ones.  I just might write about them sometime... should make for some scandalous reading.  :)

The porn you can tell your parents you watched...

If you think "The Dirty Picture" is a good movie, you certainly have not watched good porn!!

Because barring a few moments by Vidya Balan, this movie offers nothing except a lot of skin... and unless you are an adolescent teen with raging hormones, the skin show is excessive!  (PS for those who think this is Vidya's best performance, I don't think you have watched "Ishquiyan").  Replace the actors with B-grade cinema ones, and you have a soft-core porn movie on your hands.

The movie is predictable from before you even walk into the hall.  The skin show and sexual innuendos do shock you a bit though.  Other than that, its a very below par movie, which offers nothing of interest (unless you are interested in Vidya's ample bosom).  And for those who say they liked the story, I recommend "Tarzan X:  Shame of Jane", a far more to the point, entertaining, adult movie, with a surprisingly better story!!

None of the acting is bad but none is extraordinary either, unless you talk about Vidya and her ample thighs.  The story frustrates you with shot after shot of Vidya's (purposely expanded) ample stomach.  At one point, its a thrill to see her showing only the skin of her face and hands.  However, that does not last long, as she is back again in a time skirt showing off ample legs, tube-full of waist tires, ample posterior, and ample bosom.

And by now, if you are sick of all the description of ample body parts, imagine watching it on a huge screen for over 2 hours!  Because, eventually that is what this movie was reduced to... a skin show.  The dialogues were the kind you groan over and call "cheesy", overtly-melodramatic, stupid, and downright excruciating!!  Although, there were a few good enough for a laugh.

But in the end, all the movie does is allow you to watch a semi-pornographic movie and call it art and be able to discuss it in the open.  But make no mistakes, the only way this movies is different from the Silk Smitha or Shakeela movie that you watched growing up for "its story" is that you can tell your parents you watched this one.

P.S. I am not criticizing Vidya for being fat, I know that the role required it. 

WANTED!!! Sarcastic, caustic, mocking...

Balance is a very important aspect of all things.. in nature, food, eating, marriage, cricket, walking, friendship, etc etc...

And yes, in Facebook updates too!!!  (Now I totally love Facebook.. its a brilliant creation worthy of all the hype it gets.  If you don't think so, stop reading now.)  However, recently I have noticed a worrying trend in the updates and comments.  All of a sudden, all I see is mushy, politically very correct, overtly happy, too-much-private-information, "aww... how cute!!" kind of messages!!!  SHOCKING!!!

Shocking because its my friends whose comments I see on Facebook (well, mostly... we all have some we just have to have and don't need to have as friends).  And I know that most of my friends are not mushy, politically very correct, overtly happy, too-much-private-information, "aww... how cute!!" kind of people.  So what happened?  Marriage?  Children (one place where I believe "aww... how cute!!" has a genuine place)?  Family/Boss joined Facebook and added you?  What?  WHAT!!!?

If you are just bored and don't find it interesting, then I understand... sort of.  But if not, then I am faced with a serious imbalance in my friends circle.

What happened to the angry ones?  The sarcastic ones (my personal favourite)?  Why have all of them become all touchy-feely?  Now I don't say everyone bring the level of scepticism and anger and frustration I bring (and I do know I tend to be over-the-top at times), but you are all beginning to sound like a Karan Johar - Shahrukh Khan movie!!  And that is NOT a compliment.

The world needs balance.. Facebook needs balance!  Too much of anything is not good.. too much sarcasm is putting off too.. but right now, we have too much mush, if Facebook was a movie, right now it would be a garden with lots of flowers and fountains, and it would be raining rose petals, rivers flowing milk, really sweet candies blossoming everywhere, everyone loving everyone, a toothpaste ad, a lot of red and pink all around, a clear blue sky with a clear rainbow, and a warm gentle sun!!

Sound nice, but very very artificial!!!

So bring back the sarcasm, the caustic responses, the mocking of gushy comments, and some angry people.  Its balance... essential!

A day to cry...

March 23, 2007, India crashed out of the ICC World Cup.

I remember coming back from watching that match and updating my Gtalk status (there was no Facebook or Twitter then).

It read, "On April 2, 2011, Sachin will lift the World Cup at the Wankhede"

By the time I publish this, it will be April 2, 2011. The day we play Sri Lanka in the finals of the World Cup of the Cricket. Four years on, those words are a few hours away from coming true.

"Easy for him to say now" you might say. Yes, its easy. But not because we are now in the finals. Because I have undying faith in the destiny of that great humble man, Sachin Tendulkar. It may or may not be his last world cup. That is for him to decide. But this much I do know, tomorrow, in front of an adoring, devout, and tearful home crowd, Sachin will take India the cup for which we have waited for 28 years. Chants of "Sachinnnnnn! Sachin!!" will reverberate throughout the country as almost 1.2 billion people forget a million worries to celebrate one man and the greatness we have achieved through him.

And yes, I will cry...

What has not voting got anything to do with it???

To all you cynics of my cynicism,

Over the past few weeks, my rants, raves, complaints, insults, and questions on the increasingly disgusting performance of this government have been brought into question or countered with the one question, "Do you vote?" This is my response.

1. Vote or not, are my questions on the poor performance of this government any less valid?

2. We all complain about political leaders across with world, we don't really go electing them. Still, questioning stupidity does not require you to exercise your franchise first.

3. You will say, "we cant vote there.. here we can." Yes. Then stop with the "Don't complain about the problem if you are not/cannot be part of the solution."

4. I complain about the poor performance of this government, not how some other would have been better. I am not questioning who put them there or why. I only care for good governance. And if that is not provided, I will question.

5. And finally, all those lakhs of crores that this government is scamming, comes partly from income taxes paid by people like me. I earn it honestly and correctly and cant really evade any. So when these curses on India just swindle it away, I am bloody well entitled to ask what the hell is happening, curse them, rant and rave about it, question integrity and character.

Here I would like to point out that I am not proud of the fact that I have not voted yet. I have what I believe are valid reasons for them, but none of them justify them.

And all of you who ask me this question each time, berate me for not voting all you want, but do you have the answer to these questions? YOU voted... so you (at least by your reckoning) have the right to ask them. Why haven't you? Did your duty stop when you voted?

The Joy of Cooking...

Recently I have been ranting and raving about the current political nonsense in my country. What can I say, there is enough to bitch and moan about till the end of times.

But more importantly for me, I have also been cooking. Cooking things I did not before. And LOVING IT!!! :) (despite certain people who refuse to believe I was responsible for those dishes!!)

First, and definitely most importantly, I now know how to make AWESOME Caramel Custard!! And anytime! Made it thrice already and each time it was YUMMY!!! This is my favorite dessert!! And to be able to cook it when I want, is a joy beyond words!! The smell as it bakes in the over, the browning of the foam on top, and best of all, the caramel that flows all over it when I turn it over... its such a satisfying sight that I don't even need to eat it to enjoy it...

YA RIGHT!!! I gobble it down faster than you can think C-A- !!! :) YUMM SLURP!!! Wait... back soon...

O.K., back after eating the last one in the fridge... ahhhhh!!!

Next I baked a cake. Well, two actually. The first one one straight into thrash. But the second... well, wont say it was the greatest, but it was something, the start of great promise!! Damn it, very soon I will bake, have, and eat my own cake!! Beat that....! And then, AND THEN, one day, I will bake that perfect black forest and feed it to those Mumbai folks who say "oh please... Bombay has the black forest pastries yaaa". Damned fools!!

And finally, cream of asparagus soup... OOOH YAA!!! This weekend, I accompanied a friend to Crawford Market to help him buy fixtures for his home. And I really could not resist the sights and smells of the vegetable and fruit market there. Well, that and a shopping list from the Mrs. Anyways, I got home some luscious asparagus, broccoli, bell peppers, zucchini, parsley, basil, cherry tomatoes, iceberg lettuce, and purple cabbage.... sigh... and they were beautiful, gorgeous I tell you... alluring even!!

From the moment I saw the asparagus, I wanted to make a soup out of them. The texture, richness, flavors, delicacy, tenderness, love, care, and attraction that a good asparagus soup is... hmm... oh wait, I have some left over... be right back!!!

Lick smack and I am back! Anyways, that soup was a tasty burpy success!! And what does all this mean for my friends? It means, I am very close to throwing a party for all of you in which I will prepare the 4-5 courses my self, from scratch with the freshest ingredients available!!! So be on the lookout for that invite soon... :)

Let me end this by saying, there is a certain satisfaction and thrill in cooking that I have not seen matched in anything else!! Well.. maybe sex... :) But if you love food, try cooking... remember, as Chef Gousteau of Ratatouille says, "Anyone can cook!!" Whether you are great at it or not, is a matter to be seen. That reminds me, next stop, ratatouille!!!